Category: Cancer

anger management

7/13/2016

Cancer and fucker have the same amount of letters. Coincidence? I think not.

Cancer IS a fucker. It is also a selfish, evil monster that wants to demolish everything and everyone in it's way with no feelings of guilt or remorse. It has met more people than I can comprehend, inflicted an unbelievable amount of pain in it's path and is a conniving sonofabitch. The moment I hear the word/name cancer, I feel sick to my stomach. My blood boils, my mind races and I try to not think about my own battle with it in fear that it will curse me into letting it seep into my being once again.

When I was diagnosed over 12 years ago, it was a huge Wake The Fuck Up slap in my face. I felt like a couple of hands grabbed me around my neck so that I would always feel the tug of that leash to constantly remind me that I will never get to break up with that Fucker. As soon as you start to feel like you shook off of that horrific Fucker, it creeps back into your life in all sorts of other ways. It hits on your friends, calls your relatives, spreads it's self all over the damn neighborhood and city to make sure no one will ever doubt who in the fuck cancer is.

Since my cancer diagnosis in June of 2004, I have not had any serious symptoms that would give me reason to think that I would run into or have a "drive-by" with Fucker anytime soon.... until this past month. My initial reaction was that I kicked it's ass before, and I'll do it again, duh. Then reality of that Fucker possibly creeping back into my life popped inside my brain and I soon panicked about dealing with that bloodthirsty asshole once again. What is going to happen if that Fucker finds it's way back in to my life? My family is no where near MN, I live alone, I am self employed, and by the way, why do I need another god damn life lesson?

After tests and Dr visits, I found out last week that the possibility of battling it out again with that fuck face is not in my cards and I am incredibly fortunate and unbelievably relieved.
I also have am immense feeling of guilt.

Why am I so lucky beyond comprehension to personally be spared dealing with that monster once again?
Why are so many people that I love still being diagnosed, being treated or have a personal relationship with cancer in some way?
Why can't we get a handle on this beast that is taking away WAYYYYY too many amazing humans and making so many lives a nightmare?

Looking back on my treatment, I feel like I got the easy way out.
I only had a couple of lumpectomies, 2 months of chemo and 1 month of radiation. That is a walk in the park compared to the humans and dear friends of all ages around me that are fighting cancer with every fiber of their being at this VERY MINUTE and that is TOTAL BULLSHIT.

I have so much anger and disdain inside me towards cancer that I can barely see straight typing this.
I am also at a loss as to how we can squash the fuck out of the Asshole Fuck Face we know as cancer.
I do know that Susan G Komen paid for my biopsy when I had no insurance, so I did the 3 Day Walk. The money I raised to fight Leukemia via a Team In Training triathlon went to many amazing children, so that helped a beautiful soul smile. We all do or have done something to give a swift punch to cancer's gut in hopes of it getting the hell out of here, but it it just seems as though nothing is ever enough to win the war. Of course donating time and money is definitely huge, and brings awareness to the fight, but I really wanna give cancer the big ass beat down it deserves. I want to look cancer square in the eyes and make sure it feels the agony it forces upon others, that it suffers on every level of it's being and is annihilated beyond comprehension for being such a greedy, disgusting asshole.

Yes, I have large amounts of animosity towards cancer, and I am OK with that.
I love most things, I really do, but I can firmly say that without a doubt I fucking HATE cancer beyond measure.
As soon as we let our guard down, that prick will trample everything beautiful surrounding it, and I can't let that happen on my watch.

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Sidekick, huh?

1/27/2016

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So, you’re digging this Happy Trail idea, but not exactly sure how to utilize a free sidekick ?
Well, let me tell ya, the possibilities are really quite endless. Here are some ideas to spark your expedition:

Anything you’d like to try for the first time such as kayak around the Apostle Islands? Take a trapeze class? Start to jog? Bull riding? You wanna try it, we are going to do it!

How about squashing a fear that has held you back in some way, shape, or form? It could be as basic as a fear of the dentist, heights or a tattoo. Perhaps you have always wanted to sing on stage or do stand up comedy but get stage fright? Squash it!

Maybe you're dealing with a monumental crappy situation like your 1st chemo appointment or need help with your divorce paperwork and need a sidekick to kick some ass for you? Been there myself, and we can take on whatever comes your way!

Bring me to your place of work, I will contribute in any way needed. Teach me a new skill, make me do your back breaking work, have me live your life and I will share your story with the world via my blog. Let’s inspire others with all that you accomplish on a daily basis.

Make me face one of my own fears by donating to my Kickstarter fund. You know you wanna see me do something that makes me sweat profusely and possibly freak the hell out, so choose from my list of fears and make me put my money where my mouth is . I will record the act and share via my blog so that you can laugh in the comfort of your home and watch me scream like a child.

You wanna join me on my travels to hang out and be sidekicks together? Do it. Ask for more information about my next destination via email and we shall spend the day spreading the Happy Trail together. Possibly you live in the next city on my agenda and you could give me a lift. We could grab a bite at your favorite restaurant and you can bring me up to speed on you and the amazing city you live in.

Would you like me to accomplish a Fear Challenge for you, and live vicariously through me? Anything you wanted to do, but were unable to do for one reason or another, I will rock it for you.

Anything that you want to do, I will be there for you every step of the way. I’ll take care of the planning, scheduling, and organizing. All you do is show up to kick fear’s ass and begin your Happy Trail. You deserve the life you dream about, so let’s make it a reality!

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How I Got Here

1/4/2016

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It took me many sticky years and some pretty painful, scary experiences (there was a lot of good in there too) to finally come to my current point of clarity.

During my 20s I made decisions and acted on them in mere minutes. I decided to move to San Francisco at 21 never having been there except for a job interview, and lived everyday like it was my last: parties, booze, drugs, and bands. While attending a packed bike messenger party, I met my 1st husband while making fun of him, and shockingly, that marriage officially ended in firestorm when I was 31…..after a year of looking for him to grant me a divorce. Before that divorce was final (remember, it took a year!) I was back in MN living with soon to be husband number two. He was amazing in so many ways, and didn’t spook a bit when I was diagnosed with breast cancer less than a year into our relationship at age 32. (We had so many hurdles in that relationship which made us very dependant on each other. We got way too comfortable in our relationship and it fizzled out when I was 40 years old.)

The fact that I found a lump in my right breast showing my then husband how to do a self exam is beyond me. With no family or smoking history I was in disbelief and PISSED. I wasn’t about to let this asshole cancer tell me what to do, and somehow didn’t doubt that I am gonna kick it’s ass when I was told The Big News in June of 2004. Thankfully after 2 months of chemo, 30 days of radiation and the unbelievable and endless support from friends and family I did indeed kick cancer’s ugly ass.

My big progress toward enlightenment essentially began when my second marriage ended in 2012, and I lived alone for the first time in my adult life. I dealt with it pretty much on my own since my best friend had moved to Charleston, SC, I didn’t have any immediate family in state, and I had distanced myself from friends during the end of the marriage because I was so depressed. My ex pretty much was my best friend, but now he was gone and I had never felt more alone in my entire life.

At times I wanted to embark on trying something new to get me out of my apartment, like take a class or muster up the confidence to have a drink alone at a bar, but was so insecure there was no way I could do it by myself. It honestly seemed totally insane to even ask anyone to go out with me, anywhere, because who in the hell would wanna go out with me? Everyone seemed to be in a relationship, or busy doing cooler things than I was, at least it seemed that way looking at social media.

After confiding in my sister in-law about how lonely and isolated I was feeling, which is so unlike me, she introduced me to meditation. The fact that a no BS, non gooey person said it helped her, I thought I’d give it a shot. That meditation shit was and still is a massive and total game changer. After trying it many times with no success and umpteen failed attempts, I soon had a major “ah-hah” moment, and it provided me insight to find my true happy.

I then sunk all my energy into my personal training business, stopped focussing on what I didn’t have and my business and social skills flourished .

Thankfully I was in such a positive head space when I got the news that my mother wasn’t quite right, and more depressed than normal. She had moved to Sparks NV where my brother Matt, sister-in law and nephew live, and she wanted to move back to MN after living there about a year. At her first doctor appointment in MN she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and It looked like I was going to take on the position of primary caregiver,and proceeded to be that for her until she passed in August on 2015, 5 days short of her 75th birthday.

Watching my mother live in fear every day and seeing her constantly worry about what other people thought, made me feel helpless and heartbroken. Reflecting back, I realized she had pretty much started to check out after divorcing my father after 24 years of marriage when I was age 18. She had proceeded to lose herself and any scraps of her brilliance seemed to dwindle away . She taught me so many lessons in the year she was in MN it is honestly mind boggling and I will be forever grateful....That being said, I decided after losing her, there is no way I wasn’t going to let my life slip through my hands to ever say “I shoulda, coulda, woulda”. I was given wake up calls in the past and this one finally slapped some sense into me: I AM IN CHARGE OF MY OWN HAPPY

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anger management

Sidekick, huh?

How I Got Here

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