Cancer and fucker have the same amount of letters. Coincidence? I think not.
Cancer IS a fucker. It is also a selfish, evil monster that wants to demolish everything and everyone in it's way with no feelings of guilt or remorse. It has met more people than I can comprehend, inflicted an unbelievable amount of pain in it's path and is a conniving sonofabitch. The moment I hear the word/name cancer, I feel sick to my stomach. My blood boils, my mind races and I try to not think about my own battle with it in fear that it will curse me into letting it seep into my being once again.
When I was diagnosed over 12 years ago, it was a huge Wake The Fuck Up slap in my face. I felt like a couple of hands grabbed me around my neck so that I would always feel the tug of that leash to constantly remind me that I will never get to break up with that Fucker. As soon as you start to feel like you shook off of that horrific Fucker, it creeps back into your life in all sorts of other ways. It hits on your friends, calls your relatives, spreads it's self all over the damn neighborhood and city to make sure no one will ever doubt who in the fuck cancer is.
Since my cancer diagnosis in June of 2004, I have not had any serious symptoms that would give me reason to think that I would run into or have a "drive-by" with Fucker anytime soon.... until this past month. My initial reaction was that I kicked it's ass before, and I'll do it again, duh. Then reality of that Fucker possibly creeping back into my life popped inside my brain and I soon panicked about dealing with that bloodthirsty asshole once again. What is going to happen if that Fucker finds it's way back in to my life? My family is no where near MN, I live alone, I am self employed, and by the way, why do I need another god damn life lesson?
After tests and Dr visits, I found out last week that the possibility of battling it out again with that fuck face is not in my cards and I am incredibly fortunate and unbelievably relieved.
I also have am immense feeling of guilt.
Why am I so lucky beyond comprehension to personally be spared dealing with that monster once again?
Why are so many people that I love still being diagnosed, being treated or have a personal relationship with cancer in some way?
Why can't we get a handle on this beast that is taking away WAYYYYY too many amazing humans and making so many lives a nightmare?
Looking back on my treatment, I feel like I got the easy way out.
I only had a couple of lumpectomies, 2 months of chemo and 1 month of radiation. That is a walk in the park compared to the humans and dear friends of all ages around me that are fighting cancer with every fiber of their being at this VERY MINUTE and that is TOTAL BULLSHIT.
I have so much anger and disdain inside me towards cancer that I can barely see straight typing this.
I am also at a loss as to how we can squash the fuck out of the Asshole Fuck Face we know as cancer.
I do know that Susan G Komen paid for my biopsy when I had no insurance, so I did the 3 Day Walk. The money I raised to fight Leukemia via a Team In Training triathlon went to many amazing children, so that helped a beautiful soul smile. We all do or have done something to give a swift punch to cancer's gut in hopes of it getting the hell out of here, but it it just seems as though nothing is ever enough to win the war. Of course donating time and money is definitely huge, and brings awareness to the fight, but I really wanna give cancer the big ass beat down it deserves. I want to look cancer square in the eyes and make sure it feels the agony it forces upon others, that it suffers on every level of it's being and is annihilated beyond comprehension for being such a greedy, disgusting asshole.
Yes, I have large amounts of animosity towards cancer, and I am OK with that.
I love most things, I really do, but I can firmly say that without a doubt I fucking HATE cancer beyond measure.
As soon as we let our guard down, that prick will trample everything beautiful surrounding it, and I can't let that happen on my watch.