I started this entry a few times since the beginning of 2020. Each time I felt as though I had a bonafide purpose, but after a few minutes, my mind would lose any thought I tucked away and the pathways in my brain would quickly hit a dead end.

The entry below began Jan 4th. 

Reflection.
Progression.
Enlightenment.

Crisp.
Fresh.
Bright.

New.
Real.
Certainty.
​
Clarity of mind that feels like cool, clear air saturating my lungs that stimulates my thoughts, dreams, energy and intentions. I can’t help but feel a confidence and joy exuding from within and smiling is just how my face naturally settles.

Yes, I will choose this. That sounds brilliant. Wrap that shit up and I’ll take it to go because I don’t want to ever forget or lose this feeling. Ever.

Choices. 
Options.
Decisions.

It’s pretty amazing what happens when we thoughtfully choose our words.. Words we speak and use in our internal dialogue are truly powerful. They create our reality, and in turn, how we feel and progress through an event. “I can’t” quickly manifests into reality if you say it enough, and by changing up our internal dialogue positively, can make a world of difference.

That is where I left off and am a bit startled how quickly the tides within can turn. I returned to this entry mid January in hopes of finding clarity in a very, very dark time for me mentally.

Here it is:
My Seasonal Affective Disorder has stuck its claws into me big time, rendering me close to useless. These are the times that remind me as to why I needed to leave MN over a year and a half ago. These are the days that I need to read my own words and believe that it will get better. Today I choose to put one foot in front of the other in order to not let my ailing mental health take me over. I choose to push forward and I choose to be the best that I can be today.

I find my internal dialogue constantly telling me I should do a gazillion things in order to feel alive, or to spark a feeling other than bleakness. I want to do things that provide a sense of happiness, but don’t. I can’t . It honestly feels monumentally taxing on every level to begin these wonderful ideas. I feel paralyzed.

That was the end of that entry, and aside from a couple of gatherings that provided moments of happiness, I continued making a daily effort to avoid being swallowed by quicksand that was moving quicker than one would care to experience.

Reflecting on the past months since returning to Mpls, I recognize that I was struggling to see myself in a different way, in a familiar place. I tried to be proactive with my S.A.D. and switched up a couple of things work wise. I started a PT retail job to be social and creative, and scheduled a training client every single morning in order to feel a sense of purpose and gratitude. I also worked in the evenings  to avoid digging myself into a hole at home and succumb to the Yuck. My schedule may have changed, and I certainly have, but I really didn’t LOOK at myself or my dreams/goals differently in order to approach things in a different way. I tried, I pushed and I forced myself to DO things outside of my gerbil wheel and it got me nowhere except in a deeper and darker mental hole. I was doing the same ol’ same ‘ol, expecting different results. I would have seen that a mile away if it was someone else’s behavior, but damn self realization is arduous.

One day while I was avoiding all the things, I stumbled upon an Instagram post that intrigued me to actually click on their bio link (!) which led me to a posting that made me snap out of a cloudy headed mess.

“Things change big time, and they change because you are ready to start over. This is your rebirth, where you get a second chance at something, where you now have all this experience so that this time you ARE going to get it right.

You are making peace with how your role presents in the world as you open to a new path that supports you and allows you to unfold at your own rate, with no pressures from the external world saying it has to be a certain way.”
Earth Walk With KV

I am certain that you and I have read or rolled your eyes and those general thoughts in some way or another in the past, but the timing was right and it was shocking how deeply those words resonated with me. I was jolted in such a way that I felt a shift inside. Somehow I knew that I could let go of the expectations I gave into that were never my own in the first place. Perhaps this is the beginning of my surrender in order to accept my power. Perhaps I will stop saying perhaps and state that I am willing to accept my strength and commit to it once and for all.

Of course, the day after I read the entry above, I had the good fortune to have coffee with my dear friend I have known for over 22 years. Everything came out of my brain and mouth smoothly. I didn’t have to overly explain my random thoughts, or feel the need to back them up, not even the dreams I babbled about a million times over and over. There was no hesitation or need to filter my thoughts or feelings. We exchanged genuine love and support for one another with no agenda, and we were pure and present in the moment.

I honestly felt a ray of light cut through the yuck inside my brain that day, as if my sinuses cleared and I could finally take a deep breath. I finally felt heard. I finally felt understood. 

Clear and crisp air entered my lungs once again. 

Stripping off a hunk of my armor by trusting myself and being vulnerable made me realize how heavy that hunk of my bullshit is, and helped me remember how fucking strong I am. How strong WE are. We can accomplish/be/do all the things if we simply get out of our minds and our own way. It's an ongoing labor of love to trust ourselves and the powers that be, but you are so, so worth it.
 
Today I choose to stand proudly and au naturel, like it or not. Soak up the view, or look away, either way I'll be shining what my mama gave me, loud and proud.

Recently I was having dinner with 4 incredible women to discuss an upcoming event we would be taking part in for Passion Collective. Some of us had never met and were sharing our personal stories, tossing around ideas for future events, or asking questions pertaining to the event. Each of us were asked to give our "elevator speech" and while listening to the other guests, I heard myself state various times how much I wanted to do a certain something, or what I admired in others. It dawned on me how many things I still wanted to conquer on my Fear List and squash the yuck. 

Somehow I managed to chat about the many things that make me vomit in my mouth, and I referred to my Fear List, which included taking a burlesque class. Personally, taking a burlesque class would push me so far out of my comfort zone I would need a plane flight back, so of course I ignore it at all costs. The women that do burlesque are completely and utterly amazing to me on so many different levels. It baffles me to no end how people have the confidence to get up in front of others to rock their femininity, celebrate their beautiful body, and radiate strength. 

This got me thinking on a deeper level regarding my own fear of femininity and my Inner Bully. The grisly inner dialogue so many women have going on inside their head regarding their bodies and of themselves as a whole is overwhelming.

Why is it so hard for us to celebrate how completely AMAZING each and every one of our bodies are and what they do for us?!
Why is so hard to say "thank you" ?
Why do we push aside compliments and disregard it as if it's a lie, not to mention acting as if the person delivering it is just being nice or bat shit crazy for even thinking something kind about ourselves?
Why in the hell am I and so many other women so insecure with their femininity and/or bodies?
Is it the media? Past relationships? 
Are we scared of looking weak? Too full of ourselves? Seen as shallow? Stupid? Ugly? Trying too hard?

The thought of trying to be "seductive" myself is just so outlandish to me and just TYPING that makes me cringe a bit.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?! 
If someone I knew was telling me this, I would titty punch her right now for even thinking it.

Hell, I train people every day and remind my clients how much they kick ass, how they are their own worse critic and that they should never speak negative to themselves. There is honestly not a day that goes by that I have not admired another woman because of their strength, confidence, beauty or bad assery, yet I'd rather stick a knife in my eye than strut my own ass like I mean it, and I am not alone having those feelings.

I don't remember ever feeling insecure as a young child, but I do vividly remember playing King Of The Hill during recess outside on a winter day in 6th grade. I was gettin' my pushes in, vying for the top of the hill when my classmate Andrew yelled "look out for metro dome."  That fucking comment hit me so hard in the face it could have destroyed a small city, and until last fall, made me cry. That exact moment I stopped being an unblemished child and never felt the same way in my own body. Over 30 years ago and it is still as fresh in my mind as the day it happened, I even remember the winter jacket I wore .

In high school I did the stint that many girls did of starving myself to be thin, and then in my 20's ate in excess or binged to fill "the hole" inside realizing it was due to a shitty boyfriend that belittled me. These situations built an unhealthy relationship with food and my body for most of my life. I always felt like the chubby girl entering a party or room and deflected in all ways to not be seen as feminine (only STRONG!) I would dream about what it would be like to leave the house and not think about my thighs rubbing together, to not worry if my love handles were hanging out or hoping that no one was looking at my butt because they would think it was gross. 
Never mind that I was really great at sports in high school and college, was a talented artist, got to travel, had wonderful friends, met amazing people, had a supportive mother, etc etc. 

Personal attacks were going on inside my head at all times and I am not alone hearing those conversations with a negative Inner Bully.

I thought that other women presenting themselves as feminine or pretty, no matter what genres, were relying on looks to get ahead. In reality I was jealous of their confidence and bad assery to rock the hello outta whatever the heck they wanted to wear, want to be or feel like that day. 
How did they do that?
How can we teach that?

In my 30's I began to feel more comfortable in my body, and contribute that to getting through cancer treatment after enduring surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation and being bald. I could literally see how my body became stronger and healthier after treatment, as well as appreciate the tasks it could perform after such a shit show. Facing my fears of femininity after that time, however, were difficult after acquiring scars on my breasts & chest, becoming pre-menopausal, and just trying to re-acquaint myself with a "regular" life.

When my marriage ended at 40+ years old after being with the same person for a decade or so, it made my insecurities start to boil up again. Who would date a twice divorced, half boobed, cancer survivor?

Thank fucking goodness for being introduced to meditation at that time in my life.
Yes, I mention it a lot, and this was the time in my life that I have referred to as my Holy Shit Moment. It was THEN that I realized that my negative body image/self talk stemmed from those assholes from back in the day and I let them win. Their negative voices became MY voice and that is revolting and exhilarating to realize at the same time. 

What does one do with that serving of What The Fuck?
Take the power back.

I continued to meditate a crap ton, cry while envisioning the beauty I am capable of providing and feeling, and slowly embrace the love I have to share AND receive from others. I surrounded myself with positive friends, spent less time with Energy Suckers, pushed myself out of my comfort zones, reached out to people that I admired, tried out dating, and honestly focused on putting Good Stuff out there every single day. Every day I would have a positive mantra and after a while, positivity and strength became the normal for me. I viewed life as more than a task and could finally SEE the beauty in my surroundings and other humans. That is a shift that feels so effervescent it'll make your goddamn chest explode. I am fucking serious.

You put good stuff out there, it'll come back to you in all sorts of ways.

NO, it is not all fluffy clouds, bunnies and hippie dances. It wasn't easy getting to that mind blowing place inside nor will the work cease in order to settle there. I wish it was that easy to say "I made it!", but keeping my inner voice positive is a perpetual task and will be until the end of time. I face my internal Bully Douche Bag frequently and through meditation, unbelievable friends and a phenomenal dude in my life, I squash the fuck out of that Bully more often than none. 

I am proud to say that I can usually accept a compliment with a thank you. I sometimes rock the hell out of high heels cuz I WANT to and am a strong ass person for presenting myself any way I damn well want to: feminine, masculine, or in a damn Snuggie. For me, it's about being proud as shit when I feel good inside my own skin and appreciate what my body and mind is capable of doing.

Maybe your positive voice has way different & cool things on the agenda to learn, to squash, or to take care of and THAT is why you are a beautiful human. You are a bad ass and don't let anyone or anything tell you different. YOUR true voice should be listened to, celebrated in all forms, and never ignored. The bullies and negative fuck faces are just that. They wish they could have the strength to be themselves, but they gave their power away. Let's break the cycle of negative bullshit inside our head and towards others. Everyone deserves be heard, to be themselves, to feel valued and be loved. Forget about feeding a human Bully back their own bullshit, they don't deserve your energy or time. Ignore the Energy Suckers, or better yet, kill em with kindness, they'll never know what hit 'em.. That internal Bully Douche Bag is another story, kick it's ass to the curb, and show 'em who in the hell you are.


​

Comfort zones are just that. No boat to be rocked, no feathers to ruffle, no trepidation, adequate, fine.

I don't know about you but I don't want to look back on my life saying it was "satisfactory" to me, that
means it could have been more memorable. I would much rather look back on a multitude of memories saying "WTF, how did I manage that?!" or "That was so surreal, I cannot believe I got to experience that!",  I'd even rather be embarrassed after a major "uh oh" moment than wonder what else I could have seen, accomplished or been in shock over.

​Do you ever ask yourself "Should I have applied for that amazing job?" or perhaps wish you would have tried to surf even though you were nervous in front of the locals, etc., etc., Insert one of your 1000 "I Want To's" floating around in your head here______. There are SO MANY things the world has to offer each and everyone of us, and we have so much to learn from and experience. There is no time for beige or plain old fine!

Many times I chose the easy way, or did what I thought I should do because it's not easy to face obstacles head on. In the past 10 years or so, however,  I've begun to try something new every year to get the heck outta my comfort zone to slap some life back into my brain and heart. It helps me see what I have been taking for granted, face challenges I have been avoiding, and make sure I am not simply being a spectator of my life. 

One of my own most unforgettable comfort zone/Fear Challenges was joining roller derby in 2006- 2008. Yep, at 34 I was going to skate as fast as I could around a track in hopes of not being checked, shoved, pushed or tripped by a slew of strong, tough, bad-ass women. Oddly, getting hurt was not one of my fears, the terrifying part was having all the attention directed on me, if only for only a few minutes, during the intro of my name. Skating by myself to the end of the line, with all eyes on me is enough to make me blackout in anxiety. I guess it's a fear of falling on my face doing something "stupid," being judged,  failing to play well, or letting my team down in front of all those people. It may seem ridiculous to get that nervous in front of people, and I honestly did wanna vomit in my mouth when my name was called, and still may in similar situations. What is not crazy, is that I realized how independent and strong I am, and how empowering it is to recognize the hold fear has on my choices and kicking its ass.

What are some things you have always dreamt of doing that fear is holding you back from​? Skydiving? Applying for that grant? Taking a welding class? Learning to salsa dance? Trying something else? Imagine the feeling of accomplishing your dream, the exhilaration of living in the moment and being the producer of your own happy. That, my friend, is there for the taking and within your reach. Life can be pretty amazing when we pay attention and make choices according to our true self, and create experiences that bring us closer to our own happy place.  The real beauty of life it is the thrill of doing, the journey that got us there and hearing our heart beat to remind us that we are still living.