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20/20

2/3/2020

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I started this entry a few times since the beginning of 2020. Each time I felt as though I had a bonafide purpose, but after a few minutes, my mind would lose any thought I tucked away and the pathways in my brain would quickly hit a dead end.

The entry below began Jan 4th. 

Reflection.
Progression.
Enlightenment.


Crisp.
Fresh.
Bright.

New.

Real.
Certainty.
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Clarity of mind that feels like cool, clear air saturating my lungs that stimulates my thoughts, dreams, energy and intentions. I can’t help but feel a confidence and joy exuding from within and smiling is just how my face naturally settles.

Yes, I will choose this. That sounds brilliant. Wrap that shit up and I’ll take it to go because I don’t want to ever forget or lose this feeling. Ever.

Choices. 
Options.
Decisions.


It’s pretty amazing what happens when we thoughtfully choose our words.. Words we speak and use in our internal dialogue are truly powerful. They create our reality, and in turn, how we feel and progress through an event. “I can’t” quickly manifests into reality if you say it enough, and by changing up our internal dialogue positively, can make a world of difference.

That is where I left off and am a bit startled how quickly the tides within can turn. I returned to this entry mid January in hopes of finding clarity in a very, very dark time for me mentally.

Here it is:
My Seasonal Affective Disorder has stuck its claws into me big time, rendering me close to useless. These are the times that remind me as to why I needed to leave MN over a year and a half ago. These are the days that I need to read my own words and believe that it will get better. Today I choose to put one foot in front of the other in order to not let my ailing mental health take me over. I choose to push forward and I choose to be the best that I can be today.

I find my internal dialogue constantly telling me I should do a gazillion things in order to feel alive, or to spark a feeling other than bleakness. I want to do things that provide a sense of happiness, but don’t. I can’t . It honestly feels monumentally taxing on every level to begin these wonderful ideas. I feel paralyzed.

That was the end of that entry, and aside from a couple of gatherings that provided moments of happiness, I continued making a daily effort to avoid being swallowed by quicksand that was moving quicker than one would care to experience.

Reflecting on the past months since returning to Mpls, I recognize that I was struggling to see myself in a different way, in a familiar place. I tried to be proactive with my S.A.D. and switched up a couple of things work wise. I started a PT retail job to be social and creative, and scheduled a training client every single morning in order to feel a sense of purpose and gratitude. I also worked in the evenings  to avoid digging myself into a hole at home and succumb to the Yuck. My schedule may have changed, and I certainly have, but I really didn’t LOOK at myself or my dreams/goals differently in order to approach things in a different way. I tried, I pushed and I forced myself to DO things outside of my gerbil wheel and it got me nowhere except in a deeper and darker mental hole. I was doing the same ol’ same ‘ol, expecting different results. I would have seen that a mile away if it was someone else’s behavior, but damn self realization is arduous.

One day while I was avoiding all the things, I stumbled upon an Instagram post that intrigued me to actually click on their bio link (!) which led me to a posting that made me snap out of a cloudy headed mess.

“Things change big time, and they change because you are ready to start over. This is your rebirth, where you get a second chance at something, where you now have all this experience so that this time you ARE going to get it right.

You are making peace with how your role presents in the world as you open to a new path that supports you and allows you to unfold at your own rate, with no pressures from the external world saying it has to be a certain way.”
Earth Walk With KV

I am certain that you and I have read or rolled your eyes and those general thoughts in some way or another in the past, but the timing was right and it was shocking how deeply those words resonated with me. I was jolted in such a way that I felt a shift inside. Somehow I knew that I could let go of the expectations I gave into that were never my own in the first place. Perhaps this is the beginning of my surrender in order to accept my power. Perhaps I will stop saying perhaps and state that I am willing to accept my strength and commit to it once and for all.

Of course, the day after I read the entry above, I had the good fortune to have coffee with my dear friend I have known for over 22 years. Everything came out of my brain and mouth smoothly. I didn’t have to overly explain my random thoughts, or feel the need to back them up, not even the dreams I babbled about a million times over and over. There was no hesitation or need to filter my thoughts or feelings. We exchanged genuine love and support for one another with no agenda, and we were pure and present in the moment.

I honestly felt a ray of light cut through the yuck inside my brain that day, as if my sinuses cleared and I could finally take a deep breath. I finally felt heard. I finally felt understood. 

Clear and crisp air entered my lungs once again. 

Stripping off a hunk of my armor by trusting myself and being vulnerable made me realize how heavy that hunk of my bullshit is, and helped me remember how fucking strong I am. How strong WE are. We can accomplish/be/do all the things if we simply get out of our minds and our own way. It's an ongoing labor of love to trust ourselves and the powers that be, but you are so, so worth it.
 
Today I choose to stand proudly and au naturel, like it or not. Soak up the view, or look away, either way I'll be shining what my mama gave me, loud and proud.

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How I felt coming into this world and how I plan to feel leaving it
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We need body rockin' not perfection

4/6/2019

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The skin on my face has been sloooowly heading south, like melting ice-cream atop a cone while my jowls have wandered aimlessly towards my neck that mimics a fruit leather or a molting deer antler.  While leaning forward, my skin follows suit, as if it is water settling on top of a tent into soggy reservoirs that can be manipulated by the slightest touch or flick of a finger. I feel like a stranger inside of someone’s used onesie and I want out.

I would like to say that I have been accepting this drooping gracefully, however, I am straight up telling you that it has been bothering the fuck out of me. I’ve been feeling betrayed by my body and wondering why it ignored all my efforts of healthy eating, using SPF every day and drinking tons of water? 

After many days of self-examination and realignment, my vain anger morphed into being pissed at myself for thinking my body did something wrong. I mean, REALLY? I should be praising it for taking me this far after beating cancer, breaking 7 bones, having 8 surgeries, and being hit by a car 3 times. I am an official asshat.

Body of mine, you are one good shit and I am sorry for having a momentarily lapse in judgement.

Why in the hell is it so difficult to simply accept aging and the natural process our bodies go through? 

Did I finally succumb to the shallowness of what we/I “should” look like via media, Photoshop, and statements that are shoved into our faces and ears at seemingly all hours of the waking day? 

I’d like to say no, but sometimes I do. 

There are a bazillion and one jacked up reasons that make us freak out about getting older, and I think a big one is because we have no control or say how ageing happens to us. Yes, we can take supplements, get tests, be active, have procedures done, etc., etc., but there is NO WAY to outsmart the inevitable process of ageing, it’s going to happen whether you want it to or not.

All our life we have the freedom to pick and choose how we present ourselves to the world. We choose our hairstyles, hair color, body weight, clothes, make up, facial hair, get tattoos, false eyelashes or bleach our teeth, but when it comes to aging, you get no real vote on what happens next.

The visuals of aging are so frustrating because so many of us take really good care of ourselves and feel mighty fine, when suddenly, you see yourself in a reflection and wonder “who in the hell is that? I look like a full-on adult, that could retire.”

 I have also realized that I’ve reached the age when no one under 30 really notices me, unless I am in the way. 

Fuck off to that load of bullshit and the barge it came in on. From here on out, I am shifting my brain to shut negativity down to celebrate my body’s perseverance and how completely awesome it really IS, not by judging it and finding fault. 

What’s messed up, is that It’s harder to do than it sounds and requires some serious mental diligence. I’m giving it my best shot, starting NOW.

My feet, legs and thighs have not let me down for almost 47 fucking years. They brought me on mind blowing adventures some people only dream about, danced to music that made me sore for days, kicked some serious ass in sports, helped me to literally outrun stupid choices, and are always up for a challenge.

My ass has been rubbed for good luck, slapped by some dreamy people, shook at many events, and has yet to let me down.

My belly has consumed more food and drink than most, loving every single minute of it. It is strong as steel while deflecting body checks, cleats, pucks, shoves and elbows. It keeps me standing proud and ready for anything that comes its way, but prefers butterflies induced by a breathtaking moment or human. 

My breasts have fought many battles and have the scars to prove it. They are beautiful and are fucking warriors, trust and believe.

My arms have protected me, helped me up, flailed with glee, held the weak, comforted many, provided strength and exchanged so much love it is unfathomable.

My mouth shares stories that one cannot make up, creates sounds that replace vocabulary and morphs into shapes that inflict painful, goofy and sideways smiles. It laughs loudly, is unabashed and relishes in a thoughtful kiss.

My eyes try their best to see the beauty in everything and everyone. They squint at the radiance of the sunshine, crinkle trying to find the truth, tear up for all sorts of reasons, blast open when surprised or delighted and squash closed while having a hysterical laughing fit. 

My hair is good, healthy hair, even the ones on my chin. After losing it to chemo, I am lucky to have hair.  It has been losing pigment since my 30’s and I prefer it not being grey and silver, so I dye it. My goal is to be self-assured and embrace my natural color someday, whatever the hell that is, or at least not be so bothered by it.  I am unable to embrace the grey; I fully admit it. Sue me.

This body may be slower than it used to be and at times it generates audible crackles and groans, but I would place a small wager that I could still win another bar fight if it came down to it (dear universe, don’t listen to that “back in my day” gloat, just smile and nod). Things could be better; things could be worse. The future is unknown, but I am certain that I can run like a cheetah after an ice cream truck while also pushing kids out of my way without throwing my back out.....just a hunch.

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Hola amigo!

2/11/2019

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I am currently packing and selling items as I get prepared to move out of my current place the end of April.  As I was trying to figure out if I should down size even more to avoid renting a U-haul trailer, I was reminded of one of the first times that I did. The memory still induces a chuckle and an "of course he did" with my brother and I. Thought story time could provide a break in watching the US become Antarctica's twin.


In my late 20’s, and the beginning of the century (WTF!?), I was separated from my husband J/Jarrod and living in MN. My friend Melissa in CA and I were catching up on the phone and I confided that I had no idea on what to do next. Knowing that I missed the Bay Area, she told me that the apartment below her had opened up and that I should move back. Of course! I immediately went to get a hitch installed on my Subaru Forester and rented a U-Haul trailer for the move back west.

When my dad heard the news, he insisted that he would go with me, so I would not drive alone.

Oh hell to the no. My father and I were never, ever, close like that. We didn’t have a tight bond or embark on outings together besides grabbing a quick lunch here and there. I don’t really have many one on one memories with him at all to be honest, so the idea of me and dad together 24/7, for over 3 days in a car was mind boggling. 

In my pre-teen years, dad sent our family on spring break to Scottsdale, and would then join us for the weekend to golf a few days at the end. He usually spent his free time at the country club golfing or socializing back then, and I was the only family member that hated golfing. We even had fights over me not wanting to play golf, and came to a settlement on me playing tennis instead. This was an ideal compromise because the court was away from the clubhouse douchbaggery, and closer to the snack bar that sold soft serve ice cream with m&m's.

My teenage years consisted of me shaving my head, being anywhere besides a suburb and hating the country club. Since my dad was on the board or maybe the VP(?) of the country club, and I was more interested in skateboarders, there was pretty much no chance we would ever bond well during those years.

In my 20's I was living between SF and MN, fully immersed in the party scenes, and my dad was remarried, doing his thing.  He was doing him, I was doing me. 

When dad offered to pay for hotels and gas for the road-trip, I then figured, “why not”?

The last afternoon in MN we went to pick up our trailer at the U-Haul facility. After attaching the trailer to my car, it seemed that my hitch was installed incorrectly, so when the electrical work for the trailer connected to my car’s brakes, the fuse for my brake light blew. My car would not work without a brake light for safety and would not move out of park. Since we were literally leaving early the next day, and a plane ticket to MN was already purchased for dad, we had no time to get the hitch properly fixed. Looked like I would have to pry open the floor shift cover and press down a button with a tool to release the locking mechanism until we reached CA, every single time we needed to drive. The tool needed was currently in my apartment, and there was no one that could bring it to me at the U-Haul place, they were all with me, with no working car.

This should have been a sign for something, somewhere.

Then this happened: The kind employee at the U-Haul was trying his best to help us and then told me to use his car to run back to my apartment and brought me his keys! You just can’t make this shit up.

I started up that Isuzu Amigo and the bass thumped so thick and loud from the entire back seat that held enormous speakers, I could barely keep it together on my drive back home.  I felt embarrassed and bad ass at the same time, as I proceeded to pretend I was rollin' in a '64 all the way to my apartment.  I would have killed for a cell phone back then to take a photo.

Upon returning to U-Haul, bass and all, I thanked that amazing employee with hugs, never ending thank you's and even wrote a letter to his manager after I moved to CA, explaining how he saved the day. People never cease to amaze me and I really hope that guy got a raise or a plaque of some sort, because he went above and beyond.

The trailer made it back to my place at 24th and Lyndale (where the infamous bicycle tossing argument took place years earlier) and my father noted the trailer looked like it wasn't attached correctly to the ball on the hitch. We each took a side to roll it backwards and as we were holding it up, it slipped out of his hands and it dropped. On my left pinky toe, breaking it.

Sign #2?

We actually managed to pack the trailer and car full to the brim with help and were ready for take off. Johnny K, me and my black pug Clyde were off to CaliforNyAy in the a.m. for our Keeler road-trip!

Oh, did I mention that my dad didn’t plan to hold Clyde or drive the entire trip? He didn't either.

The first day of our trip I observed and confirmed that my dad did not love dogs, and is therefore not from this planet . Clyde tried to sit on my dad’s lap, and dad was NOT interested in having a dog near him and would not be partaking in holding him. Mind you, the car was smooshed to the brim with shit, and Clyde’s ONLY choices of where to sit or lay were on my lap while driving (that’s safe, rt?) or dad’s….so Clyde was on my lap the entire 1,900 +/- miles to Oakland. Of course, not a terrible thing, but not ideal for driving half way across the country with close to 30lbs of dead weight on your thighs.

That evening we stayed at a Red Roof that dad paid for (!) and as we entered our room, Clyde went batshit crazy since he had been cooped up all day in the car. He was running in circles around us a million miles an hour, while snorting and barking, as dogs do, and to be real, I wanted to as well. In order to avoid blowing up after dad asked why Clyde was acting crazy, me and Clyde immediately went out to the parking lot to run our pent-up energy out of our system while dad went to get us food and beer (!) That day was a win win for everyone since no one yelled or was murdered .

The second day’s scenery was pretty non eventful. If you have ever taken 80 towards CA from the Midwest, you know of which I speak. There is barely a turn in the road, anywhere, and pretty flat landscape. We were getting antsy in the car and had nothing to look at until we saw horses in the surrounding pastures.

“Why, hello there horky,”! said dad to every single horse, while rapidly waving and smiling from the car window, over and over and over. What the...? I had never seen my father goofy like this before and I was digging it. I honestly felt like we had something in common and it was The Weird Gene. I joined in with hork introductions to all and for the first time my father was not just a golf playing, republican, country clubber. He was a tad fucking weird and so was I. 

The rest of that day, Dad was pretty chill after the horse/horky introductions, until I played Fatboy Slim’s You’ve Come A Long Way Baby. I was legitimately floored. The man that said on more than one occasion that he "loves that Anne Murray" was hand dancing with major intent, shaking his shoulders to the beat and had all sorts of funky moves. I had no idea who was inside this car with me, worlds were colliding and it was magical. We danced like our lives depended on it to that CD more than most could stomach and dad was heard saying “I really like this guy Fatboy Slim”.

Another day with no bloodshed or yelling. Pretty sure we are related at this point.

Then the 3rd and last day of driving happened.

While on an arm/leg/dog pee break during a drive through the snowing Sierra's, dad realized that in CA you can buy beer in gas stations and asked if it was legal to drink as a passenger…Say what!? If I am correct, pretty sure it’s not, but that didn’t seem to matter or bother my suburban father, who then purchased a 40oz for the road.

What in the actual fuck!? Count to 3,567,234 Molly.

Let me clear, dad never accepted invitations to drive, or offered, but I was really scared driving through mountains in the snow and wind. I had also never driven with a trailer on my car prior to this trip. My shoulders were to my ears, Clyde was in my lap and I couldn’t even demand that my dad take over the wheel because he was enjoying a frosty cold one in my car without a care in the damn world. None. Nada. Nothing. 

In a weird way, maybe that was for the best? He could have easily been an overbearing dad yelling orders on how to drive and THAT would have been grounds for murder, without any doubt or pause in my mind.

We pushed through the mountains and the Bay Area traffic that day without a fight, and finally arrived at my apartment on 61st and MLK.  I was so happy and relieved that I didn’t even care that the Bart was literally across the street and above my apartment or even when my father made sure to tell me that exact fact more often than none that evening at dinner.

To be quite honest, I don’t remember much after that dinner, except that dad left for a flight the very next day. While driving dad to the airport, he said “Jarrod (my ex) is lucky that I didn’t run into him, because he wouldn't have known what hit him”.

That was one of the 3 nicest things my father had ever said to me up until that point of my adult life. The other 2 being “hurt my daughter, and you’ll be in deep shit with me” to Jarrod while I went to use the restroom the first time they met and the other was telling me I looked beautiful on my wedding day. 

That’s the good stuff right there. When all is said and done there honestly could have been a murder, but it would have be for me, not by me. I am more than good with that,  that is a solid right there.

That road trip is honestly one of my favorite memories with my dad. I saw firsthand how I got to be “unique” and it made sense as to how I was spawn from that man. As much as we were and ARE different on so many levels, we shared our freak flags and got to celebrate that shit together, just us two. For a tiny moment, we were the same, without any doubt or misunderstanding. Just the two of us, on our own father and daughter planet.


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I knew you'd come around.

12/25/2016

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Another year has come and gone in the blink of an eye. In some ways I feel like 2016 just started a smidge ago, and I really cannot believe the number of events that have occurred in such a seemingly short amount of time. Some experiences were HUGE, heavy events inside my chest, and made me stronger in every way. Many, if not most memories are so fantabulous that my soul bounces with joy revisiting them, and as usual, there are some things that pretty much sucked big ol monkey ass that made me either cry or want to punch things. 

Lot's of folks look back and can only think about what went wrong, what they didn't accomplish or try to forget the stupid things they did. Join the club. My "oh-oh" list is cringe worthy every year, I get it. My "want to" list has hardly anything crossed off, and if I walked more than I talked, I'd get a shit ton more accomplished.

As much as we want to click our heels together and wish away the election, our bad choices, and remove the tough times, we can't, and that's life. Life is an asshole sometimes, but it usually tries really hard to point us in the right direction, and quite frankly does some pretty fucking amazing things for us. Sometimes we have to pause everything, or just plain STOP and reflect on the good shit going on around us. I swear to a god of some sort there is more good than bad going on in the world if you just LOOK.

Recently pausing, thinking, reflecting and sharing my thoughts with some friends has really helped me out of a deep depression I was in right after Thanksgiving for a couple of weeks. Realizing how many positive things were happening around me or that could happen if I just tried, has dramatically shifted my mind set to seeing AND reminding me how fortunate I am. I shall spare you the braggy, gloppy, Look At Me Everybody holiday card. What I do want to share are some of my big nuggets of happy that remind me of the goodness I experienced and that there is plenty more where that came from.

I went to fucking EUROPE the beginning of 2016, helloooooo!?!?!? Jesus H, Molly, remember!?
I went to Ireland, worked on a god damn farm and experienced things that make my knees buckle with over powering giddiness. Dude, I made cheese, milked goats, rode horses, fed chickens and met amazing folks. I also went to Spain to drool over architecture I had only studied about, and stopped by Norway to visit an amazing human/friend/mother that felt like a dream on so many levels that it cannnot be explained with words .
Sure, I may have spent my savings, but you know what, I wouldn't change a thing because I WENT TO EUROPE AND MOST PEOPLE CAN'T.

I JUST started speaking to my father more frequently. Until this past Thanksgiving, I had only spoke to him once since August of 2015. I have spoken to him 2 more times since Thanksgiving and am planning on visiting him in February. He may not even realize anything was up, is moving on up, or dig that I just said that, if he even reads this blog. I speak of this because it brings out enormous feelings, including apprehension, but these feelings are rooted with the purest of intent, and deep respect. I am feeling hopeful, which terrifies me, but currently this makes me feel pretty fantastic.

My friendships have become stronger in every which way and my list of who I would take a bullet for has grown longer. I didn't think it was possible to love larger than I was for my dearest friends, but I was incorrect. My bonds with them have been solidified with such strength and depth that I cry reflecting on it. It is incomprehensible having a life without my closest friends and quite frankly I would not be here if it wasn't for them and their unconditional love. Many of my newly formed friendships already feel like warm sweater's and provide me with so much strength, inspiration and support that I don't want to curse it all by babbling about it too much. 

2016 was full of all the sights, sounds, feelings and ingredients we all have going on at any given time. Happy, bright, dark, hopeful, sad, excited, scared, adored, pissed, insecure, aggravated, inpsired, bleak, loved, forgotten, amazing, valued, understood and most of all alive. I am trying like a MoFo to remind myself this is not a drive by situation going on. I am going to make a point to be in the mix of this life thing. I want to feel the prickly, the squishy, the sticky and the goodness that I am fortunate to be a part of because I CAN. Good, bad or ugly, life is happening and I am comitted to seeing possibility in every nook and cranny.

I have somewhat certainty that 2017 is going to be colossal. The anticipation of the upcoming year of brilliance is killing me, just like when we had to wait for a phone call on a land line. I want  2017 to know how happy I am to finally meet it, and tell it all about the cool things we are going to do, see, start, be apart of and take on. We are gonna need some kick in the pants, elbow grease and reminders of our kick assness, but this shit is so ON, it's not even up for debate. WE have each other, WE are strong and WE are alive. Let's do this.





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Table for 1

9/1/2016

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Once again I have lived and quite possibly proven that a few old adages can be tossed to the curb, or at least need to be updated for wiggle room. Let's look further in to a few of these flawed adages, shall we?

1.You should date your best friend. 

This is something I generally still believe, but that is only part of a successful relationship.

The past 7 months I had been dating a good friend until, well, two days ago.
I met him almost 14 years ago through my ex husband Mike, and from day 1, said friend (that we will call "C") and I got along famously. We were both blunt, gregarious, opinionated, would take a bullet for those we loved and had filthy words spew out of our mouths more often than not. We usually talked smack to each other and tried to see who could annoy one another more. 

When we told our mutual friends and ex's that we were were dating, almost every single person replied with "duh", "of course you are", or "that's a no brainer". The possibility of this working out seemed completely worth while to give it a go.

C and I had such a long history together already, so we didn't have all the speed bumps of getting to know each other as one does in the beginning of a relationship. We could pretty much be comfortable right off the bat. At first it was awkward to figure out how to treat one another in public since we were always platonic. We continued talking a lot of smack, and were a lot of personality and energy together to take in at times, that's for sure. We had the friend part ironed out, and the gravitation towards each other was high, it was the other important stuff we lacked. Big things like finding time to hang out, talk or see each other.

This is where 2 adages can possibly be proven right:

There isn't enough time in a day.
Timing is everything.

We both were learning how to date with kids (he has 2, I have none). Parents never, ever, have enough time to do much besides Go, Go, Go, it is hard for them to even breathe, let alone have any solo time (not new news, I know). Throw in a demanding job and out of the norm career hours for both people, and it leaves a very tiny space for any type of relationship or other friendships to flourish. 


Flawed adage #2.
If it's important, you will find a way to make it happen.
I think there can be give an take on this, and sometimes you may be just too exhausted or know better than to try harder. 

The day before we ended the dating each other aspect of our lives,  I had been writing in my journal to figure out my own shit and realized that we are good at what we always had, a kick ass friendship, so let's just keep that going. Let go of trying to make the seemingly impossible relationship part fit into our worlds and avoid more anxiety worrying about what we are unable to currently give each other outside of our friendship.

We ended our girlfriend/boyfriend relationship at a really tasty lunch, quite uneventfully, at least for a "break up". It seemed as though the moment we said out loud what both of us were thinking the anxiety instantly left our minds, faces and mannerisms. That's telling of a few things and also confirmation that we made the right decision to stop dating and keep friend-ing. 

Flawed adage #4
Dating a friend jacks friendships up.

​Only if you're a jerk face.
Fortunately for C and I, we aren't jerks.....at least to each other. We had communicated open and honestly the entire time we were dating, so nothing we decided on was remotely surprising. We had various obstacles prohibiting us from making this relationship thing work, and pretty much knew where we stood.
 
I have absolutely no doubt about our friendship being all good between us, and that we will continue our shit talk, annoying banter and beer drinking. We shared some really amazing adventures together prior to being "a couple", as well as being one. With all honesty, the ones as a "couple" would have been just as amazing even if we weren't dating, we just may not have made them happen. More than likely we will have more adventures together since we both learned a shit ton from and about each other that made our friendship and minds grow in a new and improved ways. 

Possibly true adage #3
You can't force a square peg in a round hole.

Just because every one saw us as the perfect compliment to each other "on paper" and have a lot of the same values, tastes, and oddities, as well as attraction, doesn't mean it's going to work. Just because it's hard, doesn't mean you have to quit either. What is needed, as far as I am concerned, is for both people to be honest, on the same page, in the same chapter, reading the same story. C and I have always wanted the best for each other, and luckily, we have mad amounts of respect and love towards each other. That solid ground may be what made it easier to admit that we may not be That Person for one another, but still is one big ol' son of a bitch when you realize it.


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Sidekick, huh?

1/27/2016

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So, you’re digging this Happy Trail idea, but not exactly sure how to utilize a free sidekick ?
Well, let me tell ya, the possibilities are really quite endless. Here are some ideas to spark your expedition:

Anything you’d like to try for the first time such as kayak around the Apostle Islands? Take a trapeze class? Start to jog? Bull riding? You wanna try it, we are going to do it!

How about squashing a fear that has held you back in some way, shape, or form? It could be as basic as a fear of the dentist, heights or a tattoo. Perhaps you have always wanted to sing on stage or do stand up comedy but get stage fright? Squash it!

Maybe you're dealing with a monumental crappy situation like your 1st chemo appointment or need help with your divorce paperwork and need a sidekick to kick some ass for you? Been there myself, and we can take on whatever comes your way!

Bring me to your place of work, I will contribute in any way needed. Teach me a new skill, make me do your back breaking work, have me live your life and I will share your story with the world via my blog. Let’s inspire others with all that you accomplish on a daily basis.

Make me face one of my own fears by donating to my Kickstarter fund. You know you wanna see me do something that makes me sweat profusely and possibly freak the hell out, so choose from my list of fears and make me put my money where my mouth is . I will record the act and share via my blog so that you can laugh in the comfort of your home and watch me scream like a child.

You wanna join me on my travels to hang out and be sidekicks together? Do it. Ask for more information about my next destination via email and we shall spend the day spreading the Happy Trail together. Possibly you live in the next city on my agenda and you could give me a lift. We could grab a bite at your favorite restaurant and you can bring me up to speed on you and the amazing city you live in.

Would you like me to accomplish a Fear Challenge for you, and live vicariously through me? Anything you wanted to do, but were unable to do for one reason or another, I will rock it for you.
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Anything that you want to do, I will be there for you every step of the way. I’ll take care of the planning, scheduling, and organizing. All you do is show up to kick fear’s ass and begin your Happy Trail. You deserve the life you dream about, so let’s make it a reality!
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This feels uncomfortable

1/18/2016

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Comfort zones are just that. No boat to be rocked, no feathers to ruffle, no trepidation, adequate, fine.

I don't know about you but I don't want to look back on my life saying it was "satisfactory" to me, that
means it could have been more memorable. I would much rather look back on a multitude of memories saying "WTF, how did I manage that?!" or "That was so surreal, I cannot believe I got to experience that!",  I'd even rather be embarrassed after a major "uh oh" moment than wonder what else I could have seen, accomplished or been in shock over.

​Do you ever ask yourself "Should I have applied for that amazing job?" or perhaps wish you would have tried to surf even though you were nervous in front of the locals, etc., etc., Insert one of your 1000 "I Want To's" floating around in your head here______. There are SO MANY things the world has to offer each and everyone of us, and we have so much to learn from and experience. There is no time for beige or plain old fine!

Many times I chose the easy way, or did what I thought I should do because it's not easy to face obstacles head on. In the past 10 years or so, however,  I've begun to try something new every year to get the heck outta my comfort zone to slap some life back into my brain and heart. It helps me see what I have been taking for granted, face challenges I have been avoiding, and make sure I am not simply being a spectator of my life. 

One of my own most unforgettable comfort zone/Fear Challenges was joining roller derby in 2006- 2008. Yep, at 34 I was going to skate as fast as I could around a track in hopes of not being checked, shoved, pushed or tripped by a slew of strong, tough, bad-ass women. Oddly, getting hurt was not one of my fears, the terrifying part was having all the attention directed on me, if only for only a few minutes, during the intro of my name. Skating by myself to the end of the line, with all eyes on me is enough to make me blackout in anxiety. I guess it's a fear of falling on my face doing something "stupid," being judged,  failing to play well, or letting my team down in front of all those people. It may seem ridiculous to get that nervous in front of people, and I honestly did wanna vomit in my mouth when my name was called, and still may in similar situations. What is not crazy, is that I realized how independent and strong I am, and how empowering it is to recognize the hold fear has on my choices and kicking its ass.

What are some things you have always dreamt of doing that fear is holding you back from​? Skydiving? Applying for that grant? Taking a welding class? Learning to salsa dance? Trying something else? Imagine the feeling of accomplishing your dream, the exhilaration of living in the moment and being the producer of your own happy. That, my friend, is there for the taking and within your reach. Life can be pretty amazing when we pay attention and make choices according to our true self, and create experiences that bring us closer to our own happy place.  The real beauty of life it is the thrill of doing, the journey that got us there and hearing our heart beat to remind us that we are still living.

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eda mouthful NSRG
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It's a happy movement

1/9/2016

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I have started a movement of true connectedness, happiness, and compassion. Of people being there for each other through the joyful and sorrowful, the exciting and the scary. All we have to do is take the step and either ask for help or offer to help.

So I’m beginning one person at a time by being there for you and asking you to be there with me. I hope to inspire you by conquering one of my fears in February: traveling to a foreign country. I’ll be posting my itinerary online, which will be based on either things I’ve always wanted to experience, or the requests I receive from others to help them. I would love nothing more than for you to be a part of my Happy Trail expedition of searching, sharing, and providing happy everywhere that I can, am invited to, or fall upon.

And with each person I help or who helps me, I hope it rubs off on others, and people realize how easy it is to break down those barriers.
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