“You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run…
If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.”
There are certain cards that I hold close to my chest, and other hands I will toss into the air for everyone to see.
Protecting myself or celebrating, neither one is taken lightly with me. On the rare occasion, I am dealt a hand that can go either way, and chances are that I’m gonna give it all I got to make it work until it makes sense to walk away.
Just like a relationship, you start out guarded and feel the other person out until you feel comfortable enough to toss in a little bit of your “colorful” life stories. You see if it plays out in your favor, and If the pot sweetens, odds are that you could find a winner! On the other hand, your deal may not be received as positively as you had thought and perhaps made you feel like taking those personal items the hell back from the undeserving soul not worthy of you. Frequently the story ends because the hand you were given was simply weak and it was in your best interest to pass.
Comme ci, comme ça.
Not bad, not good.
That is the perfect depiction I would use for the relationship I was in this past year that ended something like this.
You are one of the kindest cities I have met in quite some time and you are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. Your small town charm, hot desert weather, never ending sunshine and magical snow in the mountains as far as the eye can see are all amazing qualities that most humans would kill to live among and you deserve someone that appreciates you and all you have to offer.
After the excitement of New Beginnings wore off, reality settled in as to what life was really going to be like if I stayed in this relationship. I realized about 8 months in that my needs were not going to be met if I continued any further unless a lightning bolt struck one of us. I tried my best to re energize the relationship by trying out every single restaurant I read about to find something worth ordering again, I visited friends in surrounding areas for a different vantage point, I went to hear music so that I could feel like my old self again, I volunteered for causes so that I could feel appreciated, I took classes in order to learn more about myself, I tried activities that I never imagined I would, hell, I even switched jobs in hopes of meeting new people. Nothing worked in my favor, it was like hitting a brick wall, over and over. I was unfulfilled, uninspired, and missed the complexity and excitement that I had in my last relationship with Minneapolis.
Dear gawd, I actually miss the hustle and bustle of a city?!
It’s true, I really, really did.
I guess you don’t know what you got until it’s gone, and man, MInneapolis makes me smile just thinking about it.
I craved Minneapolis’ creative energy, the vast number of humans that reflect the beauty of a rainbow, the wide-open spaces and lakes sprinkled here, there, and everywhere! I want out of this mountain valley that requires tire chains and I want to run in elevation under 4,500 feet! A city person that dabbles in rural nature is who I truly am and I am not ashamed to admit it!
I realized that it’s not you, Reno, and it’s not me. We are simply 2 very different people coming from 2 very different worlds and I just don’t foresee us creating a future together. I know that you are going to move on and be valued by someone far better than I can give. I will only look fondly on this past year and always have a soft spot for you in my soul without regret.
And so it goes.
No harm, no foul.
All I can do is try my best at All The Things in this life that spark me up inside and I can honestly say that I always give it my all when it’s worth the hard work. I am not one to accept “what if” as the ending to my story.
Fortunately, I also know when it’s time to walk away from something that is unfulfilling or is no longer generating positivity in my life, or for anyone involved, even if that is the difficult choice.
Sometimes we hear our inner voice how we want to. We make the choice to stay inside our comfort bubble in order to fend off taking a step towards the unknown. Many of us tend to avoid the Hard Way, even if it’s The Best Way for ourselves and that’s where a lot of us get into trouble. So many people agonize over what to do next, trying to convince themselves that easy is better. By choosing comfort over vulnerability, we feel safe, and safe means certainty. Although NOTHING is EVER certain, we yearn for that solid ground so that we can avoid a misstep and possibly failing in front of everyone to only be “outed” as the fraud we often feel like we are.
Hey goof ball, stop selling yourself short. You are deserving of happiness on every and any level that you desire, in any way that speaks to you. We are all deserving, no matter what anyone else says. The kicker in all of this, is that more often than not, it’s you that’s getting in your own way, not everyone else. We’ve all experienced a little self-sabotage here and there, right? Feels like shit to realize we shot ourselves in the foot, so, how about this crazy thought, instead of being your own blockade, you meander outside the lines a bit to see what possibilities open up to you? You may be surprised as to how much you are truly capable of, and won't know until you take a stroll into the unknown. Just a tiny bit. Cool/sad fact is, most people are having their own inner dialogue of What In The Fuck Am I Doing going on inside their head to even notice you possibly fucking it up.
In order to be where you are, no matter where that currently is, you had to take a step into uncharted territories. Didn’t have to be a huge step, and no one even had to notice, the point is that you put yourself out there, and you are still alive to talk about it…. good or bad, you had to courage to, as Brene Brown says, to “step into the arena”, and the arena is a scary, unexplored place to enter. It can be a difficult place to maneuver if you’re not trusting your gut or forget how bad ass you truly are, especially when your junk is out there for everyone to see. You've survived this long, might as well keep heading towards your personal happy place, you've got the skills, use 'em.
One thing that is for certain, there will always be some sad, small minded human that will judge, complain, point, laugh or belittle you from afar. Fuck ‘em. They don’t have enough depth to comprehend your greatness and cannot understand what they don’t possess. You do not have time to waste pondering their toxic bullshit; you got places to be and goals to crush, baby. NOBODY flapping their gums with negativity deserves your respect until they have also put their shit out there among the other Life Explorers. Deserving people do not attack you if they disagree, they're smarter than that, and if not, walk far, far, away.
If anyone out there is contemplating taking a step towards New and Unfamiliar territory, I cannot over state how awesome it feels to just TRY IT. Dabble a toe if it’s overwhelming, what’s the worst that can happen? Maybe you experience heart ache, maybe you stumble a bit, but there is a good chance that you won't lose a limb and you’ll survive. Better yet, what if you actually rocked the shit out venturing outside of your bubble?!
Can you imagine what letting go of Can’t or Shouldn’t would feel like to you?
Let's stop and dream for a moment.
Living life without regrets or What If’s?
That effervescent warmth, the gratification that you trusted your gut and succeeded on every level you only dreamt of? Holy crap that could be one of the most liberating feelings in the world and I’d bet the damn house that you can rock the shit out of anything if you fully trust in yourself and your strength. All said and done, It’s all YOUR choice.
Do you in whatever way that feels right for you. Stand firm, lay down, start a dance troupe, do nothing, say hello to a stranger, go to college, buy a farm, move to Antarctica, there is no wrong way to do your life. You have freedom of choice to take a different path, any time, to anywhere. Big, short, weird, stinky or slippery, it's all good because it is your decision to take a seat at the table. The size of the wager doesn't matter, you just gotta take a gamble in order to reap the rewards. Can’t win if you don’t play.