Yes, apparently there is such a thing.
With that being said, finishing this post has been like forcing a watermelon into a fucking soda can.
The post began like this last month….
Summer is slowly coming to an end and Autumn is heading our way.
I was sweating my titts off, literally and figuratively, in the Reno desert this Summer. Damn, Gina. The sun is so close in this elevation that it constantly reminds me that I am not from these here parts and I may turn into jerky at any given point.
With my new location and vantage point, I am realizing that I am pretty much a big wuss when it comes to extremes on every account these days and cannot tolerate them.
Too hot. Too cold. Too hip. Too antisocial. Too young. Too boring.
Nope x 6.
I literally can’t do it.
I do not have it in me.
For the first time in my life I want to be a happy medium. Happy being the operative word.
That freaks me the hell out to type, and perhaps freaks you out to even read.
Middle ground, is that settling for beige?
I am usually a go HUGE or go home person.
Eat none of the foods.
Eat all of the foods.
Talk, talk, talk.
Clam up and shut down.
Party until we drop!
Shall not move all day.
I’d never half ass anything, good or bad.
These days, I am simply “here”, becoming more and more invisible.
I have no huge feelings about anything, either way. I am not finding passion in my soul towards anything in particular and I know this is not healthy. This is nothing I can ignore, is deeply out of character for me, and being vulnerable is painfully uncomfortable.
Admitting that I am not doing well and having no idea how to ask someone for help is killing me slowly because I cannot do it. Reaching out is proving to be near impossible for me and I need to push through the yuck. Sure, I will seemingly share anything with anyone, at any time, just ask me for a story and I shall perform my song and dance for you in the way that only I can provide. I do that well, and stating that makes my skin crawl on many different levels.
I am tired of being the happy and funny one all the time.
I am mentally exhausted trying to keep myself accountable because folks assume that I am out being a happy social butterfly spreading goodness all over the place.
I am tired of holding it all together.
Being strong makes everyone else comfortable, it’s what I do.
I am not as strong as everyone makes a point to tell me I am- ALL THE TIME.
I make you uncomfortable being vulnerable. I’ve seen it.
My feelings make you uncomfortable? I am too dramatic?
I have seen the faces and witnessed the actions of people when I am fragile.
No one wants my shit.
It’s too much.
I am too much.
This is where I lose my direction and hope.
This is really scary to share.
I am needing control more than I ever realized.
Having control keeps me from feeling insecure.
I am constantly battling and pushing myself to be strong, to ignore the yuck.
“You are so strong, it’s what you do, you always make things happen yourself!” say people.
Weakness means I am incapable and unable.
Who wants that?
I remember that Ignoring The Uncomfortable began full force when I was going through cancer treatment.
Anytime someone asked me what I did that day, or asked how I was, I had nothing to really say except that I went to chemo that day, possibly puked, maybe had radiation, or was taken on a car ride. Not much of a topic for chit chat, and no one knows how to respond to that answer, it’s a no-win situation. There were ALWAYS two looks: Their guilt of being healthy or a look of pity towards me, both of which pissed me off feeling as though I was delicate or less than.
Those experiences clammed me the hell up and I proceeded to become quite introverted. Who wants to hear all about the chemo therapy and sleeping you did? Not many. For months, nothing new was happening in my world, and it taught me to ask other’s how they were or what they did, and I always deflected the conversation from myself so as to not make waves of uncomfortableness for them or me.
Those skills plant their roots pretty deeply and move into relationships on all levels: friendships, romantic ones and internally. That skillset isn’t healthy to hold on tightly to, has been used repeatedly and is a lonely way to live in the world. Each and everyone of us wants to be heard, understood and accepted on some level. People can listen and nod, but that means nothing until push comes to shove. If you are dealing with some deep shit, and all of a sudden you are on a journey alone, that shit is a hard trip to take by yourself. Doing things alone doesn’t mean you always choose to, it may be all you know.
I guess what I am saying is that I am having a really tough time here in Reno and I am sick and tired of coasting in my fog of false fronted strength. Things are currently really, really hard and I am feeling pretty alone the majority of the time. Sometimes I cry, and that’s OK, don’t pull the fire alarm, humans cry.
Sometimes I don’t always provide comic relief, and that doesn’t mean that I am mad at you, or crabby. I just may be comfortable in the moment, or tired from being up since 4:00a.m.
My point is this. Sharing this will no doubt be therapeutic for me and hopefully provide some strength and clarity for myself and maybe another person feeling lost in the shuffle of life these days. Searching for a connection can feel pretty overwhelming at times and it’s a difficult road to take by yourself, but you really aren’t all alone. I’m also out here looking for clues in the sky, wondering what in the hell is next and trying to welcome all the goodness instead of thinking about the fact that my dog is my best friend in Reno and she’s only known me for 2 weeks.
Now, if you see me, or chat with me, please do not be my cheerleader and say “it’s gonna be OK, you’re the best!” or look at me with That Look, ok? I don’t always need or want a god damned pep talk, but what I do need is a friend to listen, not fix and to be heard. I hope to find that here soon and am taking baby steps away from my inner voice of yuck.
Thank you to the folks that have provided a supportive shoulder in the past, it means more to me than you will ever know. Please feel free to reach out to me, I will appreciate it beyond words. Remember to leave the pom poms at home.