I'm sorry, come again? I barely have a filter, and frequently find my foot deep inside my mouth, what could this possibly be referring to?
After I did quite a bit of meditation, reflecting and asking said person various questions, I realized that this woman is pretty spot on and I am not sure I like the sound of that. That sounds like revisiting some places inside me that smell like burnt flesh and shall include a path made entirely out of my own shit.
I dug up some crap that was quite difficult to see again, but in need of coming to the surface so they could move the fuck on outta here.
I recalled that in my teen years my mother was often consumed by depression. Even though the house was always ridiculously spotless, it seemed to me that when I returned from school, her little body would still be sitting in the same chair I saw her in when I left for school. Remarkably, she would visually blossom the moment I walked through the door, as if she was waiting to escape from the dark weight placed upon her shoulders. That being said, she was constantly interested, supportive and excited about any cockamamie idea or newfangled art I made, piercing I got, cool thingy I decided to like that week or loud as hell band I wanted to see. I can remember sensing her angst, knowing to "go with" her very high or very low mood swings. I was aware that I had the power to make her feel included in "The Scene", and "In The Know", and at the very least, have a feeling other than bleakness. She was basically holding it together by a thread living her life for and through me and my brother. This seemed to set me up for curtailing my vocalization of any personal feelings I may have that could rock the boat in future relationships.
I had not revisited my relationships in my 20's for a while, and am surprised I can remember most of them quite frankly. I partied like a rock star and sometimes with some, so I pretty much coasted along being the fun, party girl that always made you laugh and feel comfortable. Never too flashy, girly, or feminine and on the other hand, no one wants to be with a downer, so I gotta be just what you want me to be. I shall stuff my personal needs and ignore my own voice of desires in order to always be viewed as worthy to be with The Cool Kids.
This does not fair well in marriages, let me tell ya, especially when both parties think similarly. Since we looked towards each other for supplying each other's happiness, it was doomed from day one. I would only talk about the good stuff, because that's my role. I supply the reason for laughter, the happy and comedic deflection when feeling uncomfortable. If I vocalized my unhappiness I was seen as a nag, negative or in my eyes, unworthy.
Damn, ain't this self realization and meditating shit a son of a bitch?!
Feeling these old, smelly, moldy emotions this week sucked, but holy crap it felt good to feel them move the hell on outta here. Trudging through my emotional clogs have helped me out SO MUCH in my current life, friendships and relationships it's unbelievable. It's not an easy breezy process, and sometimes quite terrifying, I know. After being single for 3 years and starting to date someone, I knew I had to listen to my gut, speak my mind, and be honest. At the same time I have to be attentive and mindful of their feelings- just not mirror them to feel secure. I wanted to puke while beginning my first adult conversation with pure Me and deflect to high hell with fart jokes, but you know what? It felt so utterly and fantastically wonderful to be myself and no one ran away screaming that I am pretty sure I can do this thing called a Healthy Relationship. Of course I need to continue working hard on being open and not run away myself, because this shit is hard, yo.
Finding our True Voice is tough, and vocalizing it confidently can be demanding, but I do know that we have to live Our Truth, as gushy as that sounds. If we do not, we are living someone else's life and why in the hell would we ignore how amaze balls our lives can be ? I know I totally fucking deserve someone that respects and wants to hear what I have to say and to live a life I dream about. So does the person I am dating. You do too and so does your neighbor.
WE ALL DO.
So, let's go do it already, OK!?!?
ps. This entry was really tough for me, let me tell you. It took me 3 days, and I usually take about an hour to blog,
I need a damn nap..