When the sunshine has found it’s way inside my brain, it feels like a HUGE energy rush inside of my entire body, and I find it very difficult to harness it in to one area. My mind races, and one spark sets off 3 more, those sparks ignite new synapses and then I have a full-fledged forest fire burning within my body. I SHOULD stop, drop, and roll. I SHOULD chill the fuck out, pause, and breathe. I SHOULD slow down and listen, but it is hard when most of those fires are Type A, clapping to be seen, and vying to be heard. Apparently, if I do not take note of every single spark, I could seemingly forget the MOST AMAZING thought EVER TO BE HAD by myself, and then WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN? HUH? WHAT!? Hint: life will not end, spazz.
Truth be told, on Dec 30th, my soul was spiritless. My mind was filled with static and the lights were off. I did nothing productive, what so ever, except random exercises for my legs so I felt blood move inside of me. I was seemingly paralyzed on my couch or in my bed, depending on the hour. It sounds absolutely lovely to many, I know, and I am not complaining, however, it was as if I had no choice in the plans. Someone snuck into my brain while I slept Friday night to turn it off and demanded that I check the fuck out. When this happens, I wonder if it because I am surrendering to my seasonal depression, and ignoring dealing with my Yuck, or if I honestly need a day to not use my brain in any way, shape, or form. Perhaps the Universe is telling me to slow the hell down and focus, giving me a day to refill my happy tank.
Since I broke my clavicle in August, I haven’t really been able to concentrate or focus as I used to, or want to. I recently learned that I had some residual byproducts from a concussion, so waking up on Fuck Yeah Sunday with something good bubbling inside felt incredible and I shall accept it with glee!
That morning, many hours were spent in a bookstore, and the other part of my day was reflecting on 2017. A friend of mine does an annual year end writing ritual inspired by various questions that has always peaked my interest. I HAD to do it before 2018 began because one of my relentless fires kept bugging me OVER AND OVER to do so.
Question sampling from The Not So Big Life: The Year End Ritual by Sarah Susanka :
• What has inspired me over the past year?
• What were my sorrows and disappointments from the year, and how have I been changed by them?
• What were my enthusiasms, accomplishments, creations and joys, and how have I been changed by them?
• How am I different this year than I was last year at this time?
• Are there any things I’m being asked to do right now that I am rejecting? If so, what would happen if I simply did them?
• Are there any things I’m trying to force into existence right now? If so, what would happen if I stopped trying to make them happen?
• What recent synchronicities do I recall? What do they appear to point toward?
• What is it that I wish to focus on or experience in the coming year?
• If I could see far into the future, what wishes, longings, or creations will I be bringing into being, or engaging in some way?
I wrote endlessly, with a pen, a million miles an hour. There were unfinished sentences, columns, scribbles, along-side of arrows, bullet points, and cross out’s. I had revelations that made me wide eyed, cry tears of joy and relief, and some that made me feel a pang of nausea. I recalled misplaced inspiration that now provided greater strength than it held before, and confirmed what I know now, more than ever. I am truly living if I am learning, progressing, connecting and contributing. I know that I need to continue sharing my light, listening to my soul, and ignoring the shadows and smack talkers- usually inside my own head.
These last few years of realizing what brings me honest joy, has brought my attention to an immense ache for family, and to be a part of something bigger than myself. I recognized how great the pull is for me to be close to my tribe, my family, and the need to give fully and unconditionally to the people I love so deeply. Seeing my brother, sister in-law and nephew 1 or 2 times a year just isn’t acceptable any longer.
This full realization happened before my yearly Thanksgiving visit to family. While meditating, I instantly felt calm and realized that my chapter living in MN was completed. I have soaked up all the goodness and love I was lucky to receive, and I am taking all of it with me when I move to Reno, NV. No questions or nerves, just certainty. It was and is a “yep” moment.
Oh, the Reno decision, right? It has some background..
My older and only brother Matthew, his wife and my only sister in-law Susan, my only nephew Mason, and their dog Max, live in Sparks, NV. They are my tribe, and being closer to them is a happy buffet worth it’s weight in endless shrimp to me.
Tahoe is RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE. My family is RIGHT THERE. There are mountains to climb, rivers to kayak, deserts to wear cowboy boots on, casinos to hear Hall and Oates in, over 250 days of sunshine a year, San Francisco to take a weekend drive & visit my Bay Area peeps, I could start to smoke weed because it is legal, and there is no income tax!
Yes, I will arrive with all sorts of dreams, intent and ideas as to how I will somehow instantly re-connect with everyone. I’ll be instant buddies with Mason, be the dream Aunt, and the best sister anyone could hope for. Just tell me what to do, I’ll rise to any occasion and I shall live in the moment!
No, I haven’t started smoking weed already, and I KNOW it’s not gonna be all daisies and moonbeams. Family is haaaaard, but ignoring my heart is not an option and I cannot live wondering What If? So, in March, I am starting a new, big, amazing, and terribly exciting chapter in my almost 46 years of life.
This feels good, real good. There is not a fire yelling inside of me to press start and GO,GO,GO!! I simply feel like a dancing aircraft carrier marshal with jazz hands is telling me that this is where to go, and I am so gonna dance my ass off into the wide blue yonder.
Feel free to join me in this adventure, I look forward to sharing the up, down, and all around with all ya’ll. I hope that you have some dancing up your sleeves too. Moves that make you breathe a bit heavier than normal, and make you sweat, in all the good ways, cuz that means you're ALIVE!