I had a fantabulous new year post that was set to go, when my computer caught the Black Screen Of Death moments after my computer decided to do an update. At that point, I was also dealing with Cement Head of Death aka: the flu, so needless to say, I was down for the count for a while.
That is some wack ass way to start the year off, however, I’d like to think I already got my major sickness of the year out of the way. Perhaps the universe also wanted to me to rewrite the beginning of my book all over again by deciding to jack up my flash drive too!? YAY!
After a slew of physically writing, not using the internet much, and sitting back to reflect A LOT, I was able to clarify what I want out of the upcoming year. I knew that without a doubt, I wanted to move forward in any way possible.
I realized what ignites me years ago when I started Happy Trail and during that time, I never gave a second guess to ANY of it. It just felt right. I made my website and left for Europe, planning to transform it into a beautiful movement/idea when I returned home.
Upon my return to the states, my creativity was sidelined by my own negative self talk, and I doubted myself on so many levels when huge possibilities came my way. I sabotaged any possibility of success in order to avoid public failure, as I always have. The moment I get a taste of the smallest nugget of success or public accolade, I freak the fuck out.
What if everyone ridicules me?
They’ll find out I am stupid.
Why do they want ME to__________, must be a mistake.
They will wonder “Why is she here,who does she think she is”?
Blah blah blah, talk talk talk.
I am fed up “trying” to overcome my insecurities and then succumb to my assumptions that I will flail and fail when my shit is all out there. Being aware that fear is my kryptonite and not doing anything to rectify it is just lazy and getting stale. I can look inward until I am blue in my damn face, but nothing's gonna change by flapping my gums, or meditating longer, it’s DOING that creates growth.
I know this. I knew this. I ignored this. I let anxiety and second guessing in again and opted for safe….and for me that was NUMBING.
The end of 2017 I was caught up focusing on what the city could not provide me and felt wholeheartedly the stresses it did produce. I couldn’t feel the brilliant and freeing fire in belly being an entrepreneur and could only see the drawbacks. That mindset inadvertently nudged me to finally try out what it was like to live among mountains, near my family and test out the desert.
As we know, it was hard to start pretty much all over again at 46, and I had many hiccups, meltdowns and panics. Feeling lost and unsure, all I wanted to feel was safe and secure. This was the beginning of my own Should’s that I have always preached against. I should take a job that provides (free!)benefits, 401K, killer discounts, donates millions, and is taking a stand against our president because they CAN and DO. I did it, too. I went to a desk job 5 days a week, spoke on the phone to wonderful humans all over the world, had my organic lunch on the Truckee river with some of the smartest people I’ve encountered, yet I was miserable inside. I wanted SO BAD to make this company my future. My career. I would look back on this moment and laugh at how foreign this all seemed to me at the beginning, and reflect on how I excelled at making the world a better place, while having access to technical gear to travel the world!
Truth is, I am not that person. I despise working at a desk, I don’t do extreme camping, climbing, skiing, fishing or ultra anything. I do enjoy camping for a week or 2 in warm weather, hiking for a few days straight, doing physical events that have a finish line on the same day, working outside of a time clock and being able to write or do errands at random times of the day. I realized that this past year/new job was a l slap in the ass lesson for me.
I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE beyond words every single day, that I honestly asked myself: what can get me out of this mess I made? NO, it wasn’t horrible, many people would LOVE the opportunity I was provided, but I knew that this was not going to be my future and what in the hell is next? I have worked for myself for over 15 years, what would I change to make me love it again? I didn’t want to revert to easy, familiar ways, however, I knew I wanted to continue helping others and connecting with people by sharing my story and services, possibly in different ways this time around.
I came upon some pretty amazing answers to me questions, and at that time, a few people reached out to me for personal training. I had still been training in the evenings for extra $, since the office job was a large pay cut, but had not taken new clients due to my schedule at The Office Job. I sat in my skin for a moment to feel how it may be to train again. Does it feel good, or is it just an “out” from my job? I realized I missed training, perhaps not in the capacity that I was back home, but doing it a few days a week sounded lovely. One on one, helping another human feel good face to face worked for me...and well, pays a lot more, and gives me flexibility and time to devote to my next chapter. Created by me, my truth, and not my fears or the negative voices in my head.
In the past few years, I have come to know what I am truly capable of and excel at, I just never honestly accepted my worthiness to succeed at it. Many people I knew growing up in the 80’s and 90’s that were successful, in terms of money, were dicks about it, so I equated success with bragging and entitlement. Talking about accomplishments feels odd to me, like gloating, as if I am proclaiming I can do something better than someone else, or it evokes a guilt that I have “more” than someone else. You know what? I have worked my damn ass off, and I can do some things better than other people, pretty sure you can and do too.
We are different, thank goodness. Each and every one of us has a story to share that we can learn from and that is beautiful beyond measure. Soak it up, feel the positivity each of us has and share the shit out of your talents because working together is a powerful tool. Our amazing talents and gifts that provide us with success, in whatever way that means to you, should not be shameful. Desiring great things for yourself, striving for success on your own terms, and following your dreams is not selfish and you are not lost. In fact, NOT giving the universe my unique gifts, or yours, for that matter, is selfish in a backwards way. Each one if us has something to contribute to this world, to teach, to share, to give. If some people don’t accept it, oh well, I will still be here. Each day I can try my best to come from a place of respect and positivity, to share some of my light, and that is really all that I can do. Try my best.
That grip I had on my strength years ago has found its way back, and it appears wiser. It’s lived in and looser, but works smarter. It feels the curves, and leans into them instead of questioning every single move. My plan of attack is brewing, and for once, I am not gonna shout it to the masses in a knee jerk reaction or mania. I’m going to let this recipe simmer, revel in the process, and dabble here and there. I am making sure to be focused, yet open to the possibilities in the unknown because that’s where all the good shit lives. If it was certain, or easy, everyone would have the good shit. It’s not at all easy, and nothing is ever certain, but anything that evokes pure joy and a lust for an incredible life is worth the fucking battle, broken bones and all.