(one of about 20 words I can say in Spanish, besides counting to 100 )
I am aware that I have pretty much sucked at blogging and I apologize.
Couple of reasons were because my life on the farm was pretty consistent, as far what to report on, or the crap wifi in Madrid. For the post part, however, it was because I was feeling so many emotions and I wanted to get a clear head before I wrote anything.
When I left Ireland, I was pretty much spent brain wise. My health overtook my brain and I felt like I was giving nothing back to my wonderful family. I felt flu like almost the entire time, but mainly like the biggest dick in the world if I would remotely show or even suggest I felt off that day. Not cool if I was not pulling my weight with a family that worked non stop without a negative thought vocalized, especially when they had provided me with everything a person could ever need or want.
The family taught me so much, especially in following your own path of happy. Judit and Patrick had no background in farming when they started over 13 (?) years ago, and off they went to farm. Of course, not that simple, but they are indeed farmers in every way. To see Judit's disposition change as soon as she came home to her evening animal feedings after working in the office, she seemed so peaceful and where she should be. It was as if nothing mattered for that moment besides herself and the farm. She was so gentle, genuine and devoted it was calming to see and experience. Even after farming for quite some time, she still has so much appreciation for each bucket of goats milk, every horse nuzzle and working everyday in the rain and mud wasn't even a thought because this was her mecca. There should be an app for being able to watch her, because your blood pressure would go down immediately and help you realize what is really important in life.
The last 2 days I was at Harmony Farm, they had quite a few bouts of horrible luck and I was wondering how they were keeping their heads up. In one day they found out most of their quail were taken away by a horrible, rotten critter, the trailer door fell of the back (was found later) and then that evening Patrick and Zoli hit a deer that kicked the car's ass. The next morning their heater blew and I am thinking they were glad I was leaving in case I brought the terrible luck to them. I felt so helpless and wish I could have left a large sum of money as a parting gift to at least pitch in some sort of something to make the sting burn a little less. All that Judit said was " It is what it is".....at least to me.
My train ride to the Dublin airport was accompanied by an older couple named Pat and Phyllis that had been together over 50 years, taught English in Ghana for 3 years over 20 years ago and wondered how in the hell Trump was leading in the American polls. I learned about each of their 4 kids, their distant family in Missouri, the in laws they were visiting in Dublin and their unsolicited thoughts on obesity (heavy shit for 930 am train ride). The 2+hour ride actually flew by, they made me laugh inside an out loud, and it ended in hugs at the gate.
Oh Ireland, I like you so much. I know that you will always be such a close and dear friend that I can always depend on and we will have an amazing friendship no matter how long it is between visits. Thank you for letting me be a part of your inner circle and showing me my ancestry in such an amazing and genuine way.
I sort of started to lose my shit. After being in someone else's home since January 1st (For 1 month in MN prior to Ireland for 2 weeks) all I wanted to do was sweat my sickness out, watch a stupid netflix movie, fart on my own bed, eat a candy bar with out any manners and not worry if I forgot to put pants on to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Yes, I am a selfish creep.
When I arrived in Madrid, I was on CITY FUCKING OVERLOAD. I didn't seem to realize how in the MIDDLE of the FUCKING city my place was when I made the reservation, or if at one time I did, I was not capable of staying in it after living on a remote farm in Ireland for 12 days. Throw in the Spanish speaking part, and I wanted to run back to anyone's home that spoke English anywhere, but not here. I was about to shut the fuck down.
After a message from someone asking what I was going to do I realized this was about doing things that made me get out of my comfort zones. And yes, I know it is, but sometimes I should just shut up about that crap, right? Not everything has to be about some bigger thing Molly, fuuuuck! None the less, I left my room to walk the blindingly bright street at 10 in the evening, just so I could try to not stay in the fetal position until my flight leaves for Barcelona in 36 hours.....and counting. I found a place to eat a mish mash of tapas that were not memorable, made a point to not drink and went to room to try and sleep my boo hooey out, but insomnia over took me until about 4 a.m.
In the morning I awoke to maids slamming doors around 9 a.m. and I was not exactly springing out of bed. Decided to venture out to see a couple of places, move my ass and take in the neato parts on the outskirts of town. I walked about 2 blocks in the cool sunshine that soon turned into cold downpours, so I stopped for coffee to wait it out. That break in the rain came about 4 hours later, where I had returned to my room wishing I could speak to ANYONE in English, and not feel stupid with every question asked in a foreign tongue. Quite honestly, I just didn't want to be in the damn rain and wanted to feel warm in my bedroom for once. I surrendered to the fact that I was a piece of crap, and since it wasn't going to make anyone else's day suck, I stayed in my room until my flight for Barcelona the next day. I ate out 2 times, got coffee once, walked for about 4 hours total.
I feel very ashamed and embarrassed for saying that is what I did in Madrid for the 36 hours I was there. I sound unappreciative for my opportunity and ability to be in Madrid, but most of all I absolutely hate to say that I shut down. I feel like I did something wrong, like I cheated on a partner. Like you- the reader/friend/HappyTrailSupporter are my boy/girl friend, and I let you down because I am supposed to DO, GO, TRY and BE and I didn't pull it off. I didn't fulfill my part of the agreement and now your stuck with the crumbs at the end of the Pringle's can, and they're stale.
For some reason I HAD to tell you this, because I honestly feel so much guilt and I am sorry.
I hope that you won't break up with me because of this minor hiccup.
We can move forward from this.
I know that I can and will be better, and I am going to prove it to you.
****The good news is that the morning I left for Barcelona, some of you know that I faced a HUGE fear of traveling on public transportation in a foreign country and KICKED IT'S ASS. Since that morning I have got back on the wagon of No Whining When You Are Traveling In Europe Ya Ungrateful Jerk !!
Stay tuned for Barcelona and a big, resounding YES to this place. Hubba Hubba!!